christin0's Xanga

Speaking of dreams...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:56:25 GMT

Some of my usernames for other things is "dreams2ashes"....

Dreams to ashes. Because that's how I felt growing up. Discouragement kills desire. She reaches for that streetcar. Misses... as dreams burn to ashes.

Lack of money and discouragement from my family and stuff like that brought them all down. I keep saying "Dreams have expiration dates." My previous entry would go against that.

I'm pretty sure God want's us to dream, have a vision, hope-- whatever you want to call it. So what am I supposed to do.. Refurbish all of those dreams I had in my past?

But maybe those blocks were put there because I was dreaming the wrong dream. Dreaming someone else's dream. Not something that was tailored specifically for me.

"If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means they are being purified."-- Oswald Chambers

So then... what was I made for?

Specifically. I want specifics. I already know those answers "We were created for God/love God/ serve God/ serve others"

No, what was I made for? What were the specific passions, skills/talents God had in mind when he created me????????????????

I don't see it. I've known a lot of deep and spiritual people in my life (all older than me since I never had friends my age). Most of them were pastors. They don't know each other but they all would say or prophesize that I would become "great" in the future. There's also a Korean proverb that says "The greatest people come from poverty."

Sometimes I feel like that's a fucking joke because "great" (from God's perspective) really means being the most insignificant and lowliest and that really conflicts with my human nature, enough to make me groan.

layout

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:50:42 GMT

I'm torn between Xanga classic and Xanga themes. I want a layout that just shows one entry and nothing else because I feel like this is hard to read/too many words all over the place.... but I can't bring myself to part with the old Xanga... I started this when I was 14 so I wanted to keep it like this. ahhhhh

Oh yeah I updated the layout for my blogspot. Freakn took forever to edit the CSS code but it was totally worth it. Pretty much random less serious stuff.

I have a xanga rendition of it but I might quit that one b/c trying to be active in the Xanga community is too time consuming and annoying and I realized I'm blogging to please and not blogging to speak my mind and that bothers me.

The Last Lecture

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:42:31 GMT

Good book: The Last Lecture by Randy Pausche. Randy Pausche was a professor at Carnegie Mellon U and had terminal cancer. He writes about achieving all of his childhood dreams.

Lately that's what God's been telling me. Don't give up my childhood dreams, as selfish as they may be. Don't stop dreaming. KEEP DREAMING!! Dreaming implies faith.

Pauch also wrote about how we should enable other people's dreams as well. This is something I feel passionately about. Encouraging people to be all that they were made to be. However, I never say anything untrue just to make people feel better.

It saddens me when people laugh at other people's desires and dreams. I take offense on behalf of the person being laughed at. Growing up in such a limited environment really discouraged me. I'm still discouraged. I still feel behind. But I want to overcome with faith. Pauch said that brick walls are there so that we can prove how badly we want things.

"Luck is when preparation meets opportunity."

Prepare. I want to show God how badly I want something, but also remember and keep in check that it is still God I'm serving, not myself. But I realize as humans and the nature of dreaming in itself prevents us from doing this 100%. But that's the beauty of gifts and blessings. He gives even if it means he doesn't get anything back, even if it means we end up serving ourselves at times.

In the past I often dreamed with the motive of glorifying myself. To be in the spotlight and all... to feel better and more talented than other people, to feel superior.

I don't want that anymore. I still want some of my old dreams to come true, but I want to use them for other things instead of using them solely for my personal glory and to raise my self esteem.

I learned that whenever God gives you something, he puts more responsibility on you, he expects MORE from you... to use your skills, talents and experiences for God and for others, on top of enjoying it yourself. I think God wants us to realize that first. THEN, the action can start...if you dare to believe. I definitely would not have been able to handle that responsibility had I achieved my dreams in the past.

Also I heard somewhere that, "We always get what we want, just not in the way we expect it." Sometimes we think we want something when our hearts just wants something else and we misinterpret that.... like if someone thinks she wants to become an actress... maybe what she really wants is to be confident. This concept totally confuses my dreams.

This is how i feel like in some of my classes:

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:35:54 GMT

Me:

Them:

ahaahahahaa

How does it work?

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:12:21 GMT

That friend I was talking about last entry is half black and half Korean. His mom is Korean and I asked him how well she could speak English. He said that her English wasn't very good, she didn't make an effort to practice/strengthen her language skills.

I hear about people from different cultures getting married. Different languages. I wonder... how do they talk? How do they understand each other?

Like, how do they share their most intimate thoughts? I mean isn't this the foundation of love and deep relationships?

I asked my friend this and he was like "I don't know. I guess there never was a connection." His parents are divorced.

Even if they have basic knowledge of the language, they still don't know how to express themselves when it comes to complex and articulate thoughts/feelings. I speak basic Spanish and I can't express my deepest feelings through them. But then again, I can barely do that in English.

Or maybe that's what love is...just knowing and understanding the complexities of another person's thoughts/emotions without them having to say a word.

Birds of the Same Feather Flock Together

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 01:35:44 GMT

I was talking with my friend online yesterday and he mentioned something...something I've been hearing a lot these days in the conversations I have with people.

We were talking about friends and stuff. He said "People usually look for people with similar interests but different personalities."

I've been hearing that in conversation a few times... that you look for people who are like yourself.

I think that's pretty true. I especially like how he said "but different personalities" because most people would argue... "I have friends who are different" and you can't label people as "similar/same." And they're right- people can pleasantly surprise you. But I think we do unconsciously look for people with similar interests. That's how we connect with others.. common ground.

I'm thinking about this because I don't know what my interests are besides God. My interests are thinking and believing. I would like to have more concrete/ less abstract interests and maybe someday I will .

Having strong relationships in life is so important. Even my mom emphasizes this. This is why I consider transferring. With the exception of a few people here, when I meet people I just don't feel that I could ever connect with them on a deeper, spiritual level. Now, people can always surprise you and I'm all for that. But so far that hasn't exactly happened.

I must say though, people here are very friendly and nice. No denying that. I watch as many students say "Thank you" to bus drivers as they get off the bus. They are like the kids in Dix Hills, Long Island. Many of them are sheltered, growing up in similar comfortable environments. I got along with many of my classmates in the Dix Hills school district.. but did I have true friends? No. And that's okay, it's just that... they have different interests as me.

It's hard to describe. I don't want to make sweeping generalizations but at the same time, a lot of the people just seem so similar. I never get past in-class conversations, it never makes it to the 'hanging out' level. Casual friends.

Maybe it's me. I've always had trouble socializing. But I've learned and progressed a lot here. Maybe it would be good to start over new some place else with everything I've learned.

It seems like an internal thing. It probably is just me. If I were in a different environment it's likely that I could have the same problems.

Also, someone once told me that not everybody is looking for a deep relationship. Some people just want to chill and that's it. Just let it happen. That's the outlook I have for Syracuse... it's just that I worry.... what if I never have those those soul mates-type relationships? It only gets harder to meet people after college.

Cinderella

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:04:45 GMT

I watched a Korean horror movie called Cinderella last week. Omg so scary. American scary movies have nothing on Asian scary movies. For a people who are so focused on logic, rational things and academics, one would def. not expect Koreans to be so skilled at knowing how to fuck with people's emotions/minds. It's like a hidden talent.

It was def. like "wtf is going on" the entire movie until the end so I'm going to spoil everything and explain it. There's a girl named Hyeon Su whose mom is a plastic surgeon. The mom operated on all of Hyeon Su's friends because they were so obsessed with beauty. Then one by one the friends who had plastic surgery starts dying mysteriously. Hyeon Su also has weird freaky experiences and doesn't know that she is being haunted by a ghost until later.

Flashback- When Hyeon Su was little she was in a car accident that left her face really burned and ugly. The doctors and everyone thought that she would die. Around the same time, Hyeon Su's mom found an orphan girl and decided to keep her since her daughter seemed like she would die.

In the present, Hyeon Su wonders why there are no baby pictures of her. She goes to her father (who's divorced) and asks him to explain. He breaks down and tells her about the accident and that she was the orphan girl that her mom adopted due to the death of their real daughter.

However, Hyeon Su and her father does not know that this is actually false. Hyeon Su's mother secretly operated on her. The mom took the orphan's face and gave it to her real daughter. Everyone thought that Hyeon Su had died, when in reality, Hyeon Su lived but had the face of the orphan. The orphan was confined to the basement and was not allowed to come out. Oddly, the mom and the orphan would talk a lot/had good relationship and the mom would always always always always promise the orphan that she would make a new face for her.

And the orphan waits and waits in the basement for her face (she does not know that Hyeon Su's mom took her face and gave it to Hyeon Su. She just thinks she's too ugly for the world.). She waits for years and as years go by she grows sadder and sadder as she watches Hyeon Su and her beautiful friends through a peephole experiencing life, like having birthday parties. One day the orphan gets so sad that she was so ugly and couldn't come out and live like the others...so she commits suicide.

The ghost of the orphan is the one that haunts Hyeon Su and caused Hyeon Su's friends to die. As a ghost she knows that Hyeon Su has her face and wants her face back. And yeah, you can watch the rest if you wanna know what happens even though I spoiled like 95 percent of the movie experience. Just type in Cinderella Korean in YouTube... you might want to watch with someone though lol. I seriously screamed REALLY loud like 3 times.

Anyway, sometimes I get so discouraged. Sometimes I feel like the orphan. Watching all of these other girls, like at arumdaun (it hurts more when it's other christians), have such blessed lives. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting forever. Waiting and confined by my environment...and watching others have everything that I want, but cannot have. Sometimes I feel like my "would be" identity (had all of the stuff in my life hadn't occured) was stolen. I feel forgotten by God.

And in terms of outer appearance, it hurts when I see someone who is a lot like me (personality wise) get treated better because she is prettier. And when I am just being myself those people react to me differently even though I am somewhat similar to the next girl. (This has happened in the past a few times. I once started to tell about this experience without mentioning looks to someone and he automatically asked: "Was the other girl prettier?" Yeah. It stung.) Sometimes I feel like the orphan girl.

Well, not really anymore. But every once in a while I reflect on the past. And all of this rushes back.

I am not forgotten. God doesn't forget his people. I'll wait forever though that would hurt. But I gotta remember and ask "What am I really living for?"

These things... these earthly blessings shouldn't be my drive.

someday

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:51:33 GMT

omgsh this is so trivial but it bothers me so much...because they're my parents!

I hate when my dad calls me drunk at night all sad... I really do not know what to say. Also when my mom calls me all sad and crying because my sister won't talk to her. What am I supposed to say? I'm an emotional person but I hate when my parents are like this. YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!!!!!! Everyone makes mistakes but you should face reality and own up to your actions.

Things are definitely better now that we have money coming in from Korea since we're hosting students at our house. No matter what anyone says, money does matter. I think all of the stress and lack of money made my mom really unstable when I was young. I understand that and I forgive. But still, how can I forget all of the mean and hurtful things she said to me? How can I forget the pain? Not the physical pain. I developed a high tolerance for physical pain... but the emotional pain. How can I forget all of the shit she did and said? There's a line between discipline (even Korean discipline) and abuse. Some of the things were just psychotic. And my sister has every right to leave her past behind and never look back; most of the psychotic stuff was done to her. But I still had to watch. The past still lingers. They must have had some truth if she'd said them right? I still get that feeling that I will never be good enough and that I have to prove my worth.

Yet Christ has been changing all that. I'm defined by God and God only.

It's so hard for me to understand what love is because of them. No wonder I had such social problems, making friendships and stuff. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a relationship in my life. I want a pure, near-perfect love with a human.... some people are fortunate to get that from their parents and then move on to have a relationship of their own. Will that ever happen for me? I don't know.

Even if it does, my mom would probably not approve of the guy. He has to be the right blood type, no joke. He has to be what the world defines as successful. He has to be smart. He can't be too stylish. And on and on.

And even if I go as far as have a real traditional wedding, how do I tell my dad that I don't want him to give me away? That would break his heart. But I don't really know who he is. You can't just walk out of someone's life and then walk back in it 14 years later and expect things to go as if nothing ever happened. How do I tell him that I don't want him in my wedding? I think about these things.

But I sometimes doubt that I will ever go that far. Some people are all caught up in relationships and get worried that they are single. I don't mind it. I haven't even had a chance to really live. I have skills and talents to develop. I have to develop my relationship with God further. Now is not the time for a relationship.

Maybe someday.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:24:58 GMT

I like what Yosho said about how we compensate for things we lack in life.

That's exactly how I think in terms of the future. Because I never had a regular childhood life... you know, growing up the way I did... because of that, I want my future to be extra special. No, not regular. Beyond that. I hope for an extraordinary future. Overcompensating...

And that's one of my fears for the future. What if I never get to live that kind of life? What if I get disappointed... what if I just live a regular life?

I suppose hoping for that is a little selfish. But it's nice to understand how my hopes got formed.

I know the cliche -life is what you make it- blah blah blah yeah, but there's no denying that special events and circumstances can also add to how you perceive life.

i dreamed about pokemon

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:36:17 GMT

So in my dream my Machop beat the crap out of some guy's Charmeleon and then he got out a Blastoise. And then the moon pulled the ocean's tide back soooooooooooooooooo hard that when it let go, it made a gigantic tidal wave that pushed everyone, including me, far away. The moon was on my side apparently.

ahahahaha I told my friend this and he said

"Wow. That's...epic. I wish I had crazy and coherent dreams like that. Instead I have dreams like . . . I buy ice cream. THATS IT."

ajahahahah! Crazy dreams. Like seriously! Some of the things you dream of are just amazing. How does the psyche come up things like that!? It's like Salvador Dali. He takes two random things (cheese and clocks) and puts them together and BAM!: melting clocks.

I do have dreams like that a lot and remember them pretty vividly. However, I don't know if I have the actual gift of interpreting them. God talks to you all the time even when you're sleeping. Some dreams can be from God and some can be just something about yourself. I've read that a lot of the times your dreams are about yourself and the current events in your life.

I really like the concept of the moon pulling the tide really hard and making a giant tidal wave. It's like how God sometimes gives and takes away. Sometimes he draws the tide so far back that your life will be dry of earthly blessings. But when he does that, the more he takes away, the more he will give back in the future... with interest. When it's time, he'll pour back the blessings. It'll overflow and be overwhelming like a tsunami. Not because he "owes" it to you/you deserve it after going through dark times, but because he loves you. Maybe my dream did mean something...something that's about to come soon.

The idea of how deeply God loves you makes this quote so comforting: "God is willing to see you disappointed today...in order to bring you his best tomorrow." I hate hate hateeee disappointing people so... on a much grander scale this is truly meaningful.