i have so much anger,

patience and peace are getting weak defending all the time

worship and love make me stronger

but all hopes seems so far away

i can't take it anymore. the pressure, the comparing, the belittling, the mind games, the fucking tantrums.

sometimes i get so angry and then i feel guilty

i'm trying my best to stay positive. music helps http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYmQ48HuPBs

but last night i just blew up in my room i just started punching myself and now i understand why people cut

it's like a giant relief just washes over you

like going in a hot tub after a long workout.

Just gotta be careful not to get bruises or else she's gonna find out.

God, where are you.

Psalms comforts me.

I keep telling myself that he has had something prepared even before I asked

that when it seems like he's not working at all, that's when he's most working

I really want to die. More than when I was in high school and all depressed then. I'm not depressed now. But I dont want to live like this. I'd rather die.

torment

There seems to be vairous types of spirituality and callings.

One seems to be the Sunny spirituality. The ones where it seems sunny and bright. By it, I mean the situation or the person. Even when the situation isn't bright, the people tend to have a bright outlook. There are periods of winters and droughts but in the big scheme of things it just seems sunny. when I look at my friends & sister it seems like they are here. They have the best jobs they could ever ask for, the best friends, they are in relationships and... in terms of callings, it's very freedom based. They can do what they desire to do and God works through it all. They worship a lot too. These are the friends that ocassionally have facebook statuses dedicated to worship and being grateful.

The other is the Wintry spirituality. People like Mother Teresa, Henri Nouwen, apostle Paul/Peter, CS Lewis all led by God to go where they did not want to go, to do things they did not really want to do at first. The pastors and pastors wives... everyone says that those are the hardest jobs (they never say why but you just figure out why for yourselves... im explaining it here). The wintry types are tormented by duality and doubt. I read Henri's biography. Even though he was a great writer and speaker, he had so much inner conflict. It wasn't hipocrasy, it was two sides of the same coin. They have depth but they know that if they left this path, and led the SUnny path, it would feel so wrong and they would feel like they weren't being authentic to their purpose. Their only console is knowing that it is all for a greater purpose and the suffering and torment will breed greater things, whether or not they will be able to experience these great/sunny things.

They can experience it in heaven I suppose. Running towards the prize even though they dont' know if they will receive it on earth.

And even if they were to receive a sudden change in paths towards the Sunny lifestyle, it wouldn't be the same and they woudln't be able to enjoy it after all of the torment. Because the torment has conditioned them to always seek the depth and living a life dedicated to serving others and so a sudden change in lifestyle would feel so out of place and unfulfilling. I already said this. I have a habit of repeating.

The wintry types may respond to their situations and inner conflicts through a sunny response-- worship, giving thanks etc. But although they do this, I think that inside they are still so much in agony. They jsut learned to tolerate and adjust and have patience....and take up on the airy-ness disposition of the Sunny people.

Maybe one can argue that Sunny people receive blessings because of their worship. But, I don't think God gives blessings like that.... by people's actions. In some ways he does but in the big picture seems that he gives based on his grace and his goodness, rather than what we do and who we are. (Man I really should start knowing the bible more to back up my writing cuz I'm just throwing stuff out here hahahaha).

Is winter the price of deepest intimacy? 

This was just freestyle thinking here. just random thoughts.

What i find is that I become increasingly private about my interests. I hide them and stealthily take them out at night under my covers so no one can see or hear. Any budding hobby, I bury in the ground like treasure.

What I find is that I am shameful and fearful about my iterests. If someone happens to find out abotu them and then mention it to someone else in public, I quickly stomp it out so know one can know more. I don't want to share.

Cuz I don't want them to tarnish it. I don't want them to expose my potential for failure. I don't want them to steal me of my joy. I'm so sensitive to judgement, when will it stop? It's like rape. In the end, it can become beautiful I suppose. Still...

I regret ever making a big deal about photography/acting to her.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

 The return must be stressing me out more than I know. Body's exhausted and keeps wanting to sleep even though this entire semester I've had a regular sleep schedule-- I've been so healthy and waking up at the same time everyday, motivated and confident but it's different now. I don't even have final exams, or that many things to write either.

If there was a choice to die, I'd rather die than live with shame and judgement. I can't stand it anymore. I want to die.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/negative-self-perception-and-shame

trying to be strong and believe in good and trust in god's goodness. i'm only beginning to understand god for who he really is and not a clouded image of what i think he is or what others think he is... but truly experiencing one-on-one.

i can't even cry at home. just letting the tears come all out now. and they keep coming.

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”

~Psalm 42:3

good to know people in the bible went through same emotions. I have to force myself to eat becuase I know it's good for me. but these days there's just  been so much anguish and grief that I go like 10 hours without food cuz don't even want to eat or think about food.

If NY is best for me, then I asked God for just one more summer to be free somewhere else... like Korea. I'm dying inside. I don't want to go back. But it might be the best for me... in teh long run. The long run.